Coming Clean

Well I guess it's about time I reveal to everyone (if anyone at all) what all these cryptic and depressing posts I've made over the past few weeks have been all about. Three weeks ago from today my girlfriend Mckell and I broke up. Although things are going fairly well now, the past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. As I attempt to stand back from the situation and look at it from an observers point of view, it amazes me how deeply I was effected by everything. I've been on this planet for 24 years now and in all of those years I can say with a fair amount of certainty that this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It amazes even myself. Love is truly a vast and overwhelming emotion. Love has taken me to some of my highest highs, and most recently, some of my lowest lows. The amazing thing about love is that it's something that is not palpable, measurable or discernible to anyone but yourself. So what is love exactly? Nothing more than an emotion? It seems too powerful to be an emotion. Emotions are things like happiness, sadness, fear, etc. Love can certainly cause emotions, but I think that love is something far more complex. Haddaway called it when they wrote a song called "What is Love?", and I second that question, what is it? I have come to realize that love can either be your best friend or your absolute worst enemy. As an enemy however, love is a foe that cannot be defeated or vanquished. No one can defeat love, it has to chose to leave on it's own. For some, love wages a life-long war against them that they can never win, leaving them with a melancholy life of sadness and depression. For others, love can leave as quickly as it came causing little to no emotional repercussions. It all has to do with who you fall in love with, and how deeply. I fell deep and hard, and now I'm left waging a war against love that I never wanted to fight. Of course, love is winning the war although I've been victorious in a few of my battles against it. Music, photos, videos and memories seem to be my love's weapons of choice. The hard part for me is that I don't really want to win the war right now. I find myself fighting this war debilitated by the very love I'm fighting against. You can not fall out of love, and waging a war against a love that you've held so close to your heart for a long period of time is somewhat arduous and futile. All I find myself being able to do is pacify myself by abjuring from love and trying to run away from it. Love is faster than I, however, and no matter how fast I seem to run she always manages to catch up and mount a formidable attack again. So here I sit, love closing in preparing to mount another attack. The nights and mornings seem to be my love's preferred time of engagement, although she can strike at any time. I will fight this battle with all my might, but sleep will probably be my only temporary escape. For as always, love will be stalking me in the morning.